Diets and Detoxing

I dropped 1.6 pounds this week. Not enough, in my estimation, so I am back to my normal routine of South Beach cereal bar for breakfast, a Lean Cuisine or salad for lunch, and a Healthy Choice meal for dinner.

I let my husband pick out my Healthy Choice meals for me. Last night, my meal consisted of corn, mashed potatoes, something resembling roadkill that Healthy Choice more eloquently dubbed "classic meatloaf," and gravy, and an apple-cranberry crisp--minus the crisp. Oh, and there was a healthy dose of self-loathing in there, too.

Why do we women do this to ourselves? Why do we torture ourselves with bathroom scales and piles of Cosmopolitan, Lucky, Vogue and similar magazines--the pages of which feature heavily airbrushed celebrities and 92-pound prepubescent girls?

And do you know what happens if, while you're on a diet, you decide to cheat even a little? Because I do. Yesterday, I got to experience what happens if you cheat on a diet during our monthly staff meeting.

Let me preface what happened by saying that, once a month, one of the directors in our office leads the staff meeting, and that this month, it was my turn to take the lead. So, all eyes were on me. Yay for me.

Everything started out smoothly. We all had a slice of pizza--the beginning of the end--and enjoyed shooting the breeze with my fellow coworkers. Then the meeting started, and about halfway in, I realized my stomach was not taking kindly to the pizza I'd eaten--probably a result of the fact that I'd been on a Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine diet for about a week.

"Brrrrumparumparumpabrrrr."

I did my best to ignore the rumblings from my stomach, hoping that no one noticed, but the sound came again.

"Brrrrumparumparumpabrrrr."

The Web development manager gave me the "why-the-hell-is-your-stomach-making-that-awful-noise" look. All I could do was shrug. My coworkers sitting on the opposite side of the conference table looked at me. There was simply nothing I could do to stop the sounds my stomach was making.

Now for those of you out there who've tried the NutriSystem weight loss system or Slim-Fast meal replacement bars--and I for one have tried both--you know exactly what I'm talking about. And if you're drinking Slim-Fast shakes, well, let's just say that I hope the bathroom is close by...

Which brings me to my next question: why are cleanses all the rage now? I was discussing a "detox tea" with some friends of mine via Facebook yesterday, and anyone who is familiar with the word "detox," it's come to mean far more than freeing yourself from alcohol or drugs. Detox, these days, means "cleansing" your insides of pretty much, well, everything.

I tried a 10-day "cleanse" once, and I only lasted two days. Wow, was I sick. A word of warning: if you ever try a cleanse or detox--which are, arguably, pretty much the same thing--don't EVER do it while you're at work. It gets pretty embarrasing having to run back and forth all day to the bathroom. And yes, I know this from firsthand experience.

Would you believe, though, that all of this talk about "cleansing" and "detoxing" and Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine came as a result of someone talking about (gasp) GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.

Feel free to snicker while reading this. Hmm. Snicker. That reminds me of a Snickers candy bar, which reminds me of deep fried Snickers bars at the Mississippi State Fair, which reminds me of deep fried Twinkies and Oreos, which reminds me of Girl Scout Cookies, which reminds me of Famous Amos, and... Wow. Do I sound desperate?